Becoming a Nurturer
I love nurturing my dog (who has made many appearances in this newsletter). Maybe singing “You’re the Love of my Life” by Carly Simon while rocking him to sleep is a bit much, but I really enjoy the practice of nurturing. Not that many years ago, I could be very unkind and downright cruel to myself in my self-talk. During difficult experiences, the most caring words I could muster were a cool, detached, “well, this sucks”. I did not know how to be loving to myself despite real needs for acceptance, attunement, and care, so I lived with an internal experience of deprivation.
When I began experiencing chronic migraine, I felt bereft, hopeless, and lonely. No one could offer reassuring words of, “It’ll be okay” or, “You’ll get better” because I clearly was not okay, and there is no guarantee I will ever get well. Migraine and other chronic illnesses can be solitary journeys at times, requiring quiet, rest, aloneness, and avoidance of a variety of social spaces and hobbies. No one could rescue me from this experience, so in the fire of my loneliness, fear, and grief, I developed the ability to nurture myself. I made the choice to move closer to my emotional and physical pain not because I am some kind of spiritually transcendent person but because the alternative of trying to escape, pretending I was well and getting sicker, and being unkind to myself felt worse.
Accepting the reality of this health condition and paying attention to myself with loving care did not make illness go away but instead reduced my despair and loneliness. I could more easily feel my connection to others who suffer and also feel that I have my own back.
Somatic and self-compassion practices helped me understand how to soften in my body during times of pain, place a hand on my heart, and say:
It’s understandable you feel scared, sad, lonely, etc
I’m here with you
I care about you and I care about this pain
You don’t have to do this alone
So many of us are hurting right now – gun violence, Covid, climate crisis, increasing laws that restrict and control us with no end in sight to these challenges. When I offer nurturing words to myself, I don’t end all this suffering but I stay present and connected to my own heart and the hearts of others. When you are hurting, what do you need to hear? Try placing your feet on the floor, taking 5 deep breaths, and saying aloud the statements listed above.
What do you notice when you offer nurturing care to yourself?
