“Everything is totally fine:” Living with Chronic Migraine
Stories of Somatic Transformation #1
In one of my worst experiences with a migraine attack, I crawled on my hands and knees down the hallway of my apartment throwing up in a plastic bag at 1am. I reassured my sister, who was following along, holding a cold washcloth on the back of my neck that I could get to the ER on my own, no problem. “Really, I’m okay, I’ve got this. Go home and get some sleep.” For some reason she decided to join me anyway. In the Uber on the way to the ER, the driver asked if I was okay. Between heaves, I wiped my mouth and waived him away with my hand, almost proudly, saying, “I’m totally fine, and don’t worry, no vomit has splattered on your car. See I have this bag.” He looked concerned.
The next day I showed up to work in sweats, a baseball cap, sunglasses, and ear plugs – to alleviate my skin, light, and sound sensitivity – but joked with my boss that an ER visit didn’t stop me from looking my best at work. “I’m here, and I’m just fine!”
Me, in the first few months of chronic daily migraine dealing with severe light sensitivity OR letting everyone know, “I’m totally fine!”
I definitely wasn’t fine.
Yet I carried on for another year trying to uphold societal messaging to toughen up, exert mind over matter, and persevere. The result was that I got sicker, spent more time in bed, and felt increasingly despondent, isolated, helpless, and hopeless. Finally, I realized that fighting the reality of this debilitating illness made my life unbearable, and I began a reckoning with the chronic illness that has completely reshaped my life.
I asked myself, who am I without my career? What is my worth in society if I’m not a productive worker? How will I find meaning in life if I’m lying in bed? I didn’t overcome being sick, but I gained answers that allowed me to let go of my old life (my job, career, long time hobbies, and most public social gatherings) and learn to live with illness. Both when I feel grateful for the changes it has brought to my life and when I cry because I’m so tired of migraine.
Eventually I learned about Somatic Transformation. Soma means body, and this form of transformation sees lasting change and growth as happening only when we change at the level of thoughts, emotions, and body. In this process, we learn to take new actions aligned with our values and what matters most to us even under the same old pressures. I found this process to be the most helpful resource in my journey toward transformation. Today I’m a Somatic Coach living with chronic illness, and I support clients who are building resilience, healing trauma, and taking new steps forward.
Perhaps you have experienced the life altering effects of chronic illness or stress, or perhaps you are interested in how Somatic Coaching could help you reach your goals in other aspects of your life. I’d love to hear from and talk about how Somatic Coaching can help you Find Your Path.
