How We Love
“You have to love yourself before anyone can love you.”
I believed this statement for years, which left me feeling confused and a bit hopeless because I wasn’t particularly good at loving myself. I figured I’d be waiting for some far off, magical day when self-love finally arrived, and then I would be able to let love in more easily.
Years later, I was holding a loved one’s newborn baby, and I imagined saying to her, “Now you’re gonna have to love yourself before I can love you.” 🤔 The ridiculousness of the self-love myth finally clicked for me. We wouldn’t send her on a solo infant self-love quest. Instead, she’d know she’s loveable based on how we loved her - through kind eye contact, responding to her physical and emotional needs, talking sweetly, and playing. I can’t say those needs are that much different for adults..
In his book Wired for Love, therapist Stan Tatkin debunks the self-love myth:
How could this be true? If it were true, babies would come into this world already self-loving or self-hating. And we know they don't. In fact, human beings don't start by thinking anything about themselves, good or bad. We learn to love ourselves precisely because we have experienced being loved by someone. We learn to take care of ourselves because somebody has taken care of us.
Our experience of the world today is shaped by how much love and care we experienced not only from our first caregivers but also from our communities and larger society. Many people and groups in US society do not experience being respected, valued, or loved collectively. For example, questions about my own loveability definitely came from experiencing homophobia directly from other people as well as through policies and laws that harm queer and trans people. Right now in the US, there is significant vitriol, violence, and institutional harm against immigrants, trans people, women, and black folks, among others.
One piece of good news is that we can begin practicing and learning how to let love and care in and out even if trauma and oppression have disrupted this capacity. Being with people and communities who genuinely want to understand, validate, and care for us is healing. This is why I offer groups that prioritize learning through connection, which creates the possibility of healing, joy, and care.
To sign up or get more information about my groups or coaching, book a free consult with me today.
