From Denial to Acceptance
Have you ever really been in denial? Here’s a snapshot of one of my all time greatest moments of denial from my high school journal.
My 9th grade journal
"Dear Diary,
Something weird happened at school today. J said she's gay. O-M-G. I came home, thought about for a minute, and realized I must be gay. Ever since 3rd grade I’ve had these feelings – with (and I listed the names of over 10 other girls). I wonder if this is why I keep pasting Melissa Etheridge news articles into my scrapbook. This makes so much sense, I’m gay."
The next day.
“Dear Diary,
I’m definitely not gay. I’m just really caring… I don’t know what it is, I just like to hug girls. I’m such a hugger. But I’m not gay. I’m just a really good friend.”
Many years later, I still laugh at my blatant, earnest denial (turns out, I’m gay and caring) and feel sad about the difficulty of coming out, especially in South Carolina where I had few supportive resources. I spent all of high school attempting to deny this inalterable truth: actively lying about it, blaming my depression and failing grades on other issues, forcing myself to like guys, ignoring the quiet voice that regularly popped into my head: I’m gay.
When I finally accepted this truth, I felt relief as well as grief about the toll of denial and fear about my big gay future I couldn’t even imagine. I went through a similar process with chronic illness: pushing through worsening symptoms, saying I was okay when I clearly was not. To be clear, being gay is not the same as chronic illness. However, any part of life that requires major change can create denial, fear, grief, etc.
Accepting my chronic illness didn’t produce magical results; in fact, I had to make significant, painful life changes. But I do spend less energy struggling against myself and more time being gentle and caring: what do I need to do to take care of myself and attend to my grief about having this illness?
I now offer a Somatic support group for people experiencing chronic illness and/or pain because many of us have to reckon with the denial and grief that comes with acceptance.
