What do you have heart for?

I started playing soccer at age 6 and by high school, I described the sport as “the love of my life”. At a time when I felt lonely and isolated as a closeted queer young person in South Carolina, playing soccer gave me purpose, joy, and energy.

I asked my coach if she thought I was good enough to play soccer in college and wrote her response in my journal that night: “Well, you certainly have the heart for it.” I did not realize at the time that her response was a polite Southern way of saying, “Bless your heart. No.” My skills did not match my devotion despite my real and wholehearted love of the sport. I continued to play for fun until chronic daily migraine sidelined me, a huge loss.

Illness has reshaped my life, and taught me at a deeper level that what I have heart for – whether a person, pet, hobby, etc – must also be something that aligns with my well-being.

Having heart for someone or something is not forced or perfunctory; rather, it is an embodied devotion with respect for our full selves, both our longings and our limits. I had to start asking myself about the underlying experience I sought through playing soccer. When I stayed connected to the deeper question, the answer was aliveness in my body, and that opened up other possibilities for heartfelt devotion.

For example, these days I love my dog, and that love has distinct sensations, feelings, and actions: I smile automatically, my chest tingles and aches, and tears well in my eyes when I look at him. I love gardening: my limbs relax, face muscles soften, and my breath deepens. During one particularly difficult period with migraine when I was in bed a lot of the time, I loved listening to birds outside my window, and they shifted my mood. My commitment to living this life as fully as possible means that I continue the search for what opens my heart, even when my energy is limited, even when I am temporarily discouraged and feel only frustration.

When Valentine’s Day approaches, I don’t express love by contemplating romantic overtures or buying chocolate (an unfortunate migraine trigger) but rather I become aware of what I have heart for now. Who and what do I love? What matters most to me? And how will I spend my energy in devotion?

Please enjoy this guided practice to consider what you have heart for.