I get knocked down, but I get up again
Four years ago I could not walk up a hill without feeling lightheaded and dizzy because of migraine medication. And just a couple months ago, I was struggling with long covid nausea and fatigue. When my fatigue finally cleared, I felt ready to train for a 5k, a return to running that I’ve dreamed about for years.
I committed to being gentle and kind to my body during the Couch to 5k training process, so I started off running for one minute, took naps and longer breaks, and cheered myself on in my head during runs. After the training period, I felt energized and proud and ready to do the 5k.
Unfortunately, I inadvertently picked an advanced run, a 5k filled with professional runners. My history as a competitive, speedy soccer player made me think I would exceed my own expectations. In reality, I had trouble breathing as soon as I lined up due to fear of finishing last, and I started the race too fast and tired quickly.
I kept looking over my shoulder wondering how many people were behind me and felt huge waves of shame. A woman speed walking and talking on her phone passed me. Instead of the glorious finish I imagined, my limbs felt exhausted at the end and I was one of the last finishers. After the race, I spiraled into weeks of fatigue. My body isn’t the same as it used to be. The race was messy and hard, and I felt disappointed.
Living with chronic illness means I stretch to do things I care about or dream of, and sometimes my capacity isn’t what it used to be or what I hoped it would be. No body stays the same over time, even without illness.
This process sometimes includes trying things on and relapsing into symptom flare ups. I realized that I can have a longing but if my body can’t meet me there, I either have to adjust expectations to something less taxing (I found a fun “Donut” 5k where you run/walk in costumes to a donut festival) or let go and find something else that works for my body. This trial-and-error process is daunting for many people navigating chronic health conditions.
In hilarious synchronicity, when I crossed the finish line, these lyrics from the Chumbawamba song “Tubthumping” were playing in my headphones: “I get knocked down, but I get up again, you’re never gonna keep me down.” Getting knocked down may be part of finding our limits. Not being kept down means not giving up on dreams but respecting what is actually possible in this body at this time. What do you long for? And how are you moving towards your longings while respecting your limits?
Check out my upcoming offerings:
Somatic Transformation Group for People Experiencing Chronic Illness and/or Pain
Thursdays, Aug 24-Nov 9, 5-6:30pm PT
Weekly 10 session group covers topics including our relationship with the body, moving from isolation to connection, finding aliveness in midst of illness, grief, reacting vs skillful response, resilience, and compassion.
Building Connection and Setting Healthy Boundaries, a Somatic Practice group
Wednesdays, Aug 30 – Nov 15, 5:30-7pm PT
Weekly 10 session group covers topics including building our capacity for mutual connection, setting grounded boundaries, moving from reactivity to skillful response in challenging situations
To sign up or get more information about my groups or coaching, book a free consult with me today.
